понедельник, 20 октября 2008 г.

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I know he didnapos;t ever mean to do it.

I know heapos;s upset, or will be after his defense mechanism of going numb wears off, about his own loss of identity in his actions. Before Honduras, he would abhorred actions like his.

And I know I canapos;t demand that he care about my pain when he canapos;t even get past his own.

But heapos;s not in the picture anymore.

I allowed myself to sob alone on my roof Saturday night. I sat with wine, an ipod playing all the sad songs I havenapos;t allowed myself to hear, and sobbed. Loud, long, aching pain I had encased in other priorities.

Because I donapos;t have time to be upset. I have so much on my agenda, so many wonderful things that I dont want him to taint.

...Things I had imagined sharing with him.

Heapos;s not a fighter. I am. And I want, and deserve someone who fights for me.

And there is other pain. My cat passed away.

My grandfather is dying. Slowly and awfully. Its such a different kind of pain. But again, I dont have time to grieve and I am trying not to. He loves me, in such a wonderful way. And I know him. Heapos;s a fighter. And proud. He wouldnapos;t want to be a burden in any way. I love him. So much.

As I sobbed, I deleted every single contact in my phone that would connect me to him. Now, if, there would be anymore, he will have to reach out. I want it that way. I have cut myself enough with my attempts to share my love with him.

...He doesnt want it anyway.

I take it day to day. I try not to look for his face. I catch myself noticing his car, not his car, but one like it. I mentally kick myself each time.
"He couldnapos;t, wouldnapos;t, and didnapos;t try to love you like you deserve. Itapos;s time for new love. Start again."

I hate him a little. But feel bad about him a lot.

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воскресенье, 19 октября 2008 г.

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�Just been looking at some of my friendsapos; facebook, mostly the ones in KL who either fail to meet their uni requirements and stayed in there, or pending to go to uni in January to Australia. Either way theyapos;ve been hanging out with kids from the low below which is okay I�suppose but itapos;s really embarrassing tbh. It makes me want to scream MOVE�ON TO�BETTER�THINGS�ALREADY. But thatapos;s the thing, how do you move on to better things when you already have what you think is the best thing? And what I define as better things must not mean better for them. A tad bit presumptuous of me to think that but still, didnapos;t stop me from feeling sorry for them haha.

Plans:
My brother coming to visit on Wednesday
Dinner with my brother on his birthday next Tuesday
London this weekend to see Vivien :�)

thatapos;s it really :�)



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Happy note�:�
1.Baby is not working today
2.Baby promise to bring me to school tmr�:D
3.Baby promise to call me at 10pm later to chat with me

Gloomy note�:
1.I still canapos;t decide which bag to buy,fickle minded.
2.I�wanna get a job.
3.I wanna be a 16 years old girl.
4.I wanna buy lots of things,but iapos;ve got no money.
5.I wanna slim down,cause iapos;m getting fatter.

xxx

Freak manz,i wanna get a nice bagpack for myself,but i still donapos;t know which one to get.
Anyone give me recommendations? Shld i just donapos;t fucking care so much get the NUM one or shld i just save money for other things get the Jansports one?
Okay,fickle minded me canapos;t make choices, i need opinions. :(
Wenxuan told me Jansports the cheap bagpack which is selling at the blogshop now are so apos;popularapos; in the streets now. Typical plus no creativity,follow the crowd.
Sigh,which one shld i getttttt? Just go ahead get the NUM?�
Maybe i shld just go ahead get the NUM.
But i feel like getting a couple bag with baby. Hence Jansports is a better choice.
But i wonapos;t know if baby wants to get a couple bagpack with me or whether he likes the design so so fore things.
Sighhhhhhhhh,hard to decide man
Help e arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr





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суббота, 18 октября 2008 г.

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So i just baked a cake and i wanted to make homemade frosting. So i looked up a few recipes online and see how people rated them and i found one with really good ratings so i decided to make it. Yaa...i dont know what i did wrong, but it didnt work out so well. For some reason, the frosting would bond together, it was really runny, and it was kinda gritty..hmm..i fallowed the recipe, maybe it just doesnt like me. Oh well. The cake is pretty good, i did feel like remakeing the buttercream again so i just used the premade stuff. W/e i think maybe the butter was too soft(my parents like it hot in the house) idk. I suck. So dad has a pink birthday cake..

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Yesterday at work this customer came through the drive through and he usually cashes a payroll check drawn off of our bank. You canapos;t miss this guy at all. He has one of those distinct mustaches that looks like a Yosemite Sam stache. He starts out by saying "I donapos;t know if you remember me but I forgot my ID in my work truck." I told him thats fine I remember you and Iapos;ll make an exception this time. He usually has his ID. But seriously, I havenapos;t forgotten the huge mustache.

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пятница, 17 октября 2008 г.

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Have I�really not posted here since July?�Jesus...

voice from the sky:�"�Yeah?"

... Not going there.

Anyway, now to ramble. The Bleach filler arc is finally over, and there was much rejoicing. Considering that the anime has pretty consistently sucked since the Soul Society arc , and that Iapos;ve practically hated it since about halfway through the Hueco Mundo arc, imagine my surprise when (�after pleading with God to have Studio Pierrot nix that Godawful hand-holding scene that teed off a lot of people ) I�started up the episode, and, lo and behold, it... I�donapos;t believe this, but it actually didnapos;t suck. Despite the fact that the first ~ten minutes were nothing but recap, which I�guess is kind of necessary since we just got out of, like, three months of filler, this was a good episode. Who knows, if they keep this up, I�may even start watching the anime again. :D

Iapos;m in my second day of Fall Break, and boy did I�need a break... Though I�still have to work on another paper. >_<. Iapos;ve started reading this neat graphic novel called " Inverloch". You can read it here: www.seraph-inn.com

And last but not least, Eagle Eye sucked.

- myFork


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Sometimes, hell yeah, I think that the super rich should pay more taxes. A CEO making all that money, when itapos;s really all the people under him that run the business......while a teacher who is EDUCATING THE NEXT GENERATION makes so little. And what about people who make minimum wage? Should they be taxed the same as Mr CEO? They have to eat. The Rich can afford to pay a bit more, right? Iapos;m not saying they should be taxed greatly, just a little more. Maybe those extra taxes can go to something that helps us all like health care and saving the environment.

Maybe I think this because I grew up poor.

Maybe I think this because I take home less than 30,000 a year and I worry about being able to save money if my rent goes up or BART�goes up or it costs more than I expect to get my wisdom teeth out.

Maybe I think this because Iapos;m a socialist� and I donapos;t know it.

In other news: I made pumpkin-pie cookies tonight. Woooooo

Really when it comes down to it: I just want to bake stuff and make people happy. Whoever wins, whatever happens to the economy....if I can keep doing that, life will be good.

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